SF Archbishop Cordileone to Monitor Teaching Staff for Evidence of Masturbation

February 5, 2015 § 3 Comments

Life of the party!

Life of the party!

San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone gets lonely sometimes.

Even though he’s the Grand Wizard of the local Catholic Supremacist Society in San Francisco he sometimes runs out of paperwork to do…or things to staple…or bingo games to call…etc. Who knows what an Archbishop does from day to day besides feeding the poor and checking in on the ill and elderly? There have to be slow days. Every job has them.

Plus, now that the whole Jesus Birthday season is over the Catholics-In-Charge must be experiencing a loss. Things were so busy for weeks and then BAM it’s December 26. Welcome to afterglow, Sal. You’ve climaxed and finished your cigarette and taken a pee…what now? Feeling peckish? Might be a good time to pick on some little girls!

Last week, Fr. Jospehy Illio from Star of the Sea church in San Francisco decided that he was no longer interested in allowing girls to act as altar servers. Illio has been on the job for 6 months. Girls had been serving at the altar for decades. What he says goes!! Maybe the holy spirit came to him in the middle of the night and told him to axe the chicks – or did the spirit visit the guy in charge when girls were first allowed to serve? Is gawd fickle? The mean spirited action against girls must have been too easy because this week there’s more Catholic peevishness.

This week the Archbishop of San Francisco announced the diocese will issue updated language in a handbook distributed to faculty at the four Catholic high schools. Beginning in August 2015, teachers are expected to avoid “gravely evil” behaviors in their professional and private lives. No reproductive technology! No homo! No sex outside of marriage! No masturbation! Archbishop Sal Cordileone isn’t having it!

There are ways to find out about breeches of most of these rules but nothing specific was mentioned about how anyone in the Archdiocese will know whether or not teachers have been masturbating. Will Cordileone be conducting inspections? Will he sniff the hands of each teacher to detect the scent of jizz? Maybe there is a way to monitor employees at home when temptation might be difficult to resist.

Perhaps the diocese should purchase electronic ankle monitor bracelets for teachers to wear.

Orgasm detectors!!

Orgasm detectors!!

If repetitious motions are accompanied by a change in heart rate the GRAVELY EVIL alarm will sound and a crucifix will illuminate in the night sky like a Batman signal calling Sal Cordileone into action. A true catholic superhero will swoop in to conduct some coitus interruptus!!

It’s unfortunate catholics feel they must find ways to impose their beliefs on anyone – especially people that have to some extent agreed to be associated with their faith. What happened to the notion of atonement for sin? What good is the act of contrition if punishment is meted out ahead of the sin?

Better question: Why can’t SF Archbishop Sal Cordileone find something uplifting to do with his spare time besides drink too much and be a crab?

He’s certainly not making the priesthood sound like inspirational, soul enriching work.

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