This Year’s LGBT Oscar theme: Another Dead Fag (again)

February 25, 2012 § 3 Comments

Since few major films with queer subject matter are in competition in this year’s Academy Awards ceremony, there is not much to be excited about for LGBT Americans tomorrow night.

No Oscars for Smart Queers

Sure there were a few notable roles and/or moments (and maybe even entire films) distributed during last fall’s Oscar bait season that contained queer content. Many of those films were either tiny independent films that would never be nominated (Weekend) or were really terrible for a number of reasons (J. Edgar) and were ignored by the Academy or they actually were nominated but perpetuate the American film tradition requiring LGBT characters to die making them less than thrilling for the queer audience member.

A word of warning:  FIVE films are about to be discussed and there will be NO caution about revealing parts of those films. If you haven’t seen these films and you intend to and you are deeply sensitive about having advance knowledge of a film then you should stop right now and go play outside. Also the bolded titles here contain links to trailers for each film.

Better yet, go see the fucking movies because they have been out for months.

Christopher Plummer is guaranteed an award tomorrow night for his portrayal of an elderly man that decides to celebrate his queer identity late in life in the film Beginners. Anyone that criticizes this film or the acting would have to be a cold, heartless bastard and/or an irreversibly bitter cynic. Beginners is sweet, sentimental, kinda boring, and inoffensive. As an actor, Plummer is extremely old (82 years old) and deserves another award just for continuing to have a pulse. The bottom line here is that Plummer plays a gay man that lived his life selfishly and closeted and when he makes the decision to embrace his queerness he is diagnosed with cancer and dies.

Another dead fag (ADF).

Beginners is harmless and we all kinda expect old people to die so the film doesn’t exactly inspire great resentment. Actually, Plummer’s character got off easy compared to a few queer women characters portrayed in other Academy Award nominated performances.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and Albert Nobbs have a few nominations each and have leading women characters who experience varying amounts of same-sex desire. Both Glenn Close (Nobbs) and Rooney Mara (Tattoo) are nominated for Best Actress in a Leading Role for their portrayals of women that have faced challenges and end up transformed. Both characters are also viciously raped by men – Mara’s character’s rape is depicted during the film and it is HIGHLY unpleasant.

Close plays a woman that adopts a male identity to protect herself following a rape as a teenager. She is so determined to remain in this identity that she has permanently assumed the name Albert Nobbs and distances herself from her female persona. During the film she meets another woman (played by Janet McTeer – also nominated) that has adopted a male identity – without being raped this time – who has found true love and shares a home with a woman. Those two women were even married as husband and wife. Albert begins to believe that kind of happiness may be possible for him too. The moment of hope is almost enough to cause a tear in the eye of the cynical viewer.


Bloody ear = dead

In the last act of the film McTeer’s wife dies of flu and before you know it Albert gets into a fist fight has his head slammed into a wall which causes him to have blood trickle from his ear which is a total give away. Within five minutes Nobbs is dead.

ADF – actually two queer women die in Albert Nobbs.

Mara’s character in Tattoo does manage to live at the end of the film (shocking, eh?), but her amount of queerness is pretty low – definitely not a fatal dose. Following her rape she dates women and cuts her hair funny and pierces her body and gets geeky on laptops – a real tom boy. Not very girly at all. Edgy! Then she meets Daniel Craig’s character. After a few scenes together it’s clear that their genitals were REALLY JUICY for each other and they start to fuck fuck fuck. Mara’s character isn’t dating girls anymore!! She had the scarred dyke fucked right out of her! Penises can be so magical, can’t they? If they are, you’d have a hard time convincing J. Edgar Hoover of it.

Do not spend much time fussing over the film J. Edgar. The Academy sure didn’t. The film was directed by Clint Eastwood, written by previous Oscar winner (and major Hollywood homo) Dustin Lance Black and stars Leonardo DiCaprio. It has the scent of Oscar all over it yet it really sucks. Hoover was portrayed as a mama’s boy, raised without a father figure, that was awkward around women and he cried every time he had to touch his penis. DiCaprio’s character was the only person in the world – man or woman – that would have been conflicted about making his life long companion (played by the blonde bombshell Arnie Hammer) ejaculate repeatedly.

It seems that the audience is supposed to assume that J. Edgar Hoover was a fudge packer because he was quirky.

Calling Mr. Hoover!

Black and Eastwood presented a pathetically character for whom we were supposed to feel sympathy for and completely ignored the years Hoover spent harassing and intimidating his fellow American queers. The character of J. Edgar Hoover seems just as conflicted and riddled with sexual stereotypes and homophobia as the director of the film.

Also – Hoover dies at the end of the film. Even if J. Edgar is a shitty biopic it still counts as ADF.

Finally, a film that contains only a moment of queerness (a moment that raised my hackles) amid a resounding avalanche of hetero fucking that is my FAVORITE film of the year: Shame.

Anyone that says this film is about a sex addict is just being lazy or they are avoiding doing work in therapy. Brandon, the lead character played by a gorgeous and soulful yet soulless Michael Fassbender (who would have been nominated if this wasn’t a X rated film) has some demons. Those demons are readily apparent when his sister, played by Carey Mulligan, crashes at his place. Brandon’s drama spirals out of control until he hits bottom in a pivotal scene late in the film. After getting himself into trouble instead of getting himself off he roams the streets desperate for a sexual fix – something to help keep him from looking at what motives his behavior.

Brandon finds his fix at an unmarked club in a poorly lit, seedy part of town, in a room filled with men. The men are gyrating with each other wearing flannel and leather and all of them have mustaches. The audience in the movie theater can practically smell the santorum in the air. Brandon finds a man that quickly drops to his knees to orally draw out a batch of sperm from the apparently never ending lake of semen that is stored in Brandon’s scrotum.

We don’t see Brandon reciprocate. We don’t even know how long he stays at the club. All we know is that this marks the moment when our pussy pirate Hetero Hero Brandon has obviously crossed the line into pure desperation. How else could one explain the fact that Brandon debased himself by entering a gay sex club and ejaculating into a man’s mouth? The scene was an intentional nod to an audience that might have a hard time looking at a line that most heterosexual people could not, would not, and should not cross (if they want to maintain their heterosexual cred).

Because director Steve (he’s gay!) McQueen chose to put Brandon and the audience through that experience the egregiousness of the stereotype ploy adds to the gravity of the film.

Michael Fassbender kisses Steve McQueen

Shame may not be a typical example of an LGBT film and that scene isn’t going to become a moment of Gay Pride for all queers to rally around but hopefully the film is a sign of new life in queer film. No more soppy sentiment tainted by death and violence and instead may we be treated to more intelligent explorations of the world we struggle to find peace in.

The Academy ignored Shame and Michael Fassbender while honoring material that feels safe and simple. No surprises there.

Follow my LiveTweet of the Oscars telecast beginning sometime Sunday afternoon and lasting until I can’t stand Tweeting anymore at @Uppityfag

Frankie and Kayla Almuina from AZ are arrested after posting pics of their superior heterosexual parenting skills

December 30, 2011 § 5 Comments

New Years Eve trivia question: Which Arizona parents received duct tape for Christmas this year?

If your answer was Frankie and Kayla Almuina you were absolutely right.

Taped her child's hands and mouths shut! Merry Christmas

The couple were so eager to share their duct tape joy after Christmas that they grabbed their two kids, bound their hands with tape, took pictures of them, and then posted the pics on Facebook!

It really is the most wonderful time of the year, ain’t it?

“(The children’s) mouths were taped shut, and one of the children was hung upside down by some exercise equipment, according to the Coconino County Sheriff’s Office.”

One child is 2 years old, the other is 10 months old.

Unfortunately for Frankie and Kayla, the police were tipped off to the photos and arrested the couple, charging them with suspicion of child abuse.

Some people just can’t take a damn joke. The Almuina’s were only joking, for Christ’s sake. It was A JOKE!

The Almuina’s are real jokers…as are the majority of voters of Arizona.

Hung one of his kids upside down and took a picture!

In 2008, 56% of the voters passed a state constitutional amendment to discriminate against same-sex couples. “Arizonans understand that marriage is much more than a legal arrangement between two people – marriage has an impact on the entire society.”

Heterosexual couples in Arizona need to codify their supremacy over same-sex couples because they need to preserve their right to duct tape their children, hang them upside down, and post the pictures for all the world to see. That is their gawd given right. That kind of privilege should not be shared with same-sex couples.It’s simply not what gawd wants.

One man. One woman. Two kids. Duct tape. It’s simple and clear.

Filthy Forsyth, GA family keeps a dead ‘possum in the house and a dead teen in the yard

December 1, 2011 § 8 Comments

Robert and Laura Lancaster decided to enjoy a weekend at St. Simons, Georgia (a resort community) leaving their teenage son at home to fend for himself.

Robert Lancaster

Likes dead opossums

Their son is 14-years-old. What could go wrong? The couple already raised two other children that are away at college. They know what they are doing…besides they are a legally married, heterosexual couple from the south.  Southern Americans know the proper way to live and raise a family.

We should all follow their example. Don’t you think?

Not entirely. 

The Lancasters were arrested and charged with 2nd degree child cruelty following an investigation into the death of 15-year-old Trey Spencer. 

 Trey’s body was found in the Lancaster family’s backyard following a night of partying with the Lancaster’s 14-year-old son while Robert and Laura were out of town.

The 14-year-old told investigators they (he and Trey) smoked pot, drank bourbon, ingested prescription medication and huffed dust cleaner the night before he died..”

Laura Lancaster

Mildew queen of Forsyth, GA

Dust cleaner? What the hell is dust cleaner? Pledge? Endust? Clearly the Lancasters were not paying attention to their son’s recreational activities.

Come to think of it, that might be the explanation. Robert and Laura aren’t being charged in relation to the death of Trey Spencer. They were locked up because of the conditions of their home.

Sheriff’s deputies discovered piles of feces, rotting food and dirty clothes inside the house. The walls were covered with mildew and mold and the air was thick with insects. Furthermore, a decaying opossum was being kept inside.

Sounds awful, but that is what the voters in Georgia believe is the Biblical traditional view of marriage

The voters in the great state of Georgia decided resoundingly in 2004 that they had no interest in any form of recognition for same-sex couples. The Lancasters might have been ambivalent about the living conditions of their son, but that is their right as a heterosexual couple with the seal of approval in the state of Georgia.

Christian, gawd fearing, supremacists in Georgia were concerned that if the gays were allowed to marry children might not be raised in homes that store rotting animal carcases or leave children alone for weekends to huff furniture polish.

Long live traditional marriage!



REVISION: SF Mayor endorsements (post heartbreak)

October 31, 2011 § 3 Comments

A week ago I posted a lengthy opinion-filled post about the candidates running for Mayor of San Francisco, mentioning all of the candidates on the ballot (plus one NOT on the ballot) and commenting on most of them.

Since then, a few things have changed.

In that post I said “I wouldn’t know Ascarrunz, Currier, Lawrence or Pang if I woke up next to them.” That is no loner true. I sat behind Emil Lawrence at an Urban League debate last week and now there is NO DOUBT in my mind that if I woke up next to him one morning I would absolutely know it. No doubt whatsoever.

I would remember sleeping with him

Also – my selection of #1 candidate for the ballot – Mat Honan – isn’t eligible to be a write-in candidate after all. His campaign lasted exactly 7 days. I was caught up in the excitement of a candidate untethered to political machination and scheming and posturing and thrilled by the prospect of this young, intelligent, man pushing his way into a crowded elevator and farting really loud.

But the rules of engagement got in the way and he was TWO SIGNATURES shy of eligibility for the ballot.

Honan wrote a brief summary of his experience that week and explained his motivation to run that is required reading to anyone living in San Francisco that is frustrated by stagnant political constipation.

In the post, Honan says “There’s a reason #votemat exploded on Twitter: Nobody’s happy with our choices for Mayor. I tend to think that’s because all of the candidates have been playing it too safe, hoping to slide in thanks to the uncertainties of ranked choice voting. And it means the race is Ed Lee’s to lose.”

That is the disappointing truth.

Following my endorsement post I caught some shit (from a small percentage of the handful of people that read the damn thing) for abusing ranked choice voting by selecting as my #1 choice a “joke” candidate and as my #2 choice a “fringe” candidate (Terry Joan Baum) while my #3 choice was more or less ignored (John Avalos).

To be clear: I want and hope and believe that John Avalos can be the next Mayor of San Francisco. He has been my choice since he entered the race.

During the debate season I met and listened to and was inspired by and grew to admire Terry Joan Baum. She is not a fringe candidate. She is not a joke. She is not an invalid choice. Our democracy needs candidates like Ms. Baum (and Tony Hal) because representatives from the two asshole parties that hog the spotlight have fucked everything up in the city, state and country.

Truth tellers

If we keep playing the same game by the same rules with the same asshole candidates that wear a different toupee or pantsuit every four years, the same bullshit avalanche will continue to bury us. I will never apologize for my support of a candidate that has the freedom to address elephants in the room ignored by the representatives of the two parties that brought the elephant to us – one sent out the invitation while the other holds the door open for it to enter.

Now that Mat is out – who is my new addition? What is my new ranking?

I want my vote for Terry Joan Baum to be counted. I realize and anticipate that at some point she will be eliminated from contention because she hasn’t sucked up and spent cash like a drunken sailor at Willie Brown’s “Pay to Play” lounge.

She gets #1.

John Avalos is #2. He is climbing in the polls because he has made great decisions lately and is a viable candidate that is supported overwhelmingly by many progressive organizations in this unabashedly progressive (which apparently can be defined any way you want) town.

He can win, he must win and he deserves to win.

His ranking at #2 means – based on the polling information I’ve seen – that this where my ballot will end. He is not likely to be eliminated in round after round of vote counting as candidates with lesser success are dropped and their votes are redistributed. My placement of him as #2 is a strategic as well as supportive decision. I want Ms. Baum to collect votes and I want Mr. Avalos to continue to collect votes as the eliminations of candidates progress.

Shall I choose a number #3 anyway, just for shits and grins?

Well, I’ve been lobbied (more than anyone else) to put Dennis Herrera on my list. I was offered a pair of Joanna Rees shoes to add her name. Leland Yee mentioned that he hopes to earn my support. I don’t think Bevan Dufty cares what I do. I’d ask my mom what she thinks, but she’s dead.

I asked Matt Gonzalez to run three months ago when I saw him on the bus and he looked like he was going to start to cry (thus cementing my effect on men…it’s shocking I ever landed a boyfriend let alone managed to get married a few times).

Listen – if you want Dennis Herrera to win – write him in as #3. If you want me to get a pair of Joanna Rees’ shoes (which is swaying me, I have to admit) – give her #3. Leland Yee seems awfully nice – and the ED LEE biography his campaign just released is brilliant (but I still don’t understand why he is so mad at sharks) so put him down as #3.

Put my mother down as #3. Her votes won’t be counted because she didn’t obey the rules but she’s dead anyway so you have nothing to lose.


Bottom line:  Do what you want with #3 just make sure you put down any name other than Ed Lee. We’ve had four terms of Willie Brown in San Francisco City Hall. It’s time to try something new.

No fifth term for Willie Brown!!




Willie Brown is starting to look like RuPaul

October 26, 2011 § 5 Comments

Willie Brown as RuPaul?


RuPaul or is it Willie Brown?

The Campaign for San Francisco Mayor: Anyone But Ed Lee #ABEL

October 24, 2011 § 14 Comments

Over the past few months many neighborhoods in San Francisco have hosted forums for candidates in competition for the office of mayor. After attending my first forum at the Castro Theater on August 8, I was hooked.

That was a rowdy night.

Interim Mayor Ed Lee had just announced his intention to run for office two days prior to the Castro forum. Consequently that was his first public appearance as a candidate and the audience heckled him mercilessly. It was thrilling.

Green Party candidate Terry Joan Baum staged a sit-in in my heart that night when she demanded inclusion at the crowded debate. Baum announced that the only way she would leave the stage was by being arrested. Eventually she was accommodated and has been an active participant throughout the campaign.

During closing remarks that night Supervisor John Avalos read aloud one of the Tweets I sent and I haven’t been able to lose my erection ever since. Every now and then I pass out because of the priapism but witnessing his evolution as a candidate has been worth every unconscious moment.

The closing remarks from that night are available in two clips: Part I and Part II. Most of the rhetoric from the Castro forum persisted through the campaign.

Since the glory days in August the campaign has grown increasingly bullshitty. Some candidates make irregular appearances at best (Mayor Lee, Alioto-Pier and Ting) while others simply won’t stay away (Chiu and Dufty). There are candidates that always sound extremely MAYORAL (Herrera) and others that are consistently irascible (Hall).

Peevish or loveable?

Tony Hall may be the object of smart-ass comments in my SFMayor tweets, but every forum he attends is much more interesting because of his participation. Hall does not appear to censor himself and his contributions do not fail to entertain. He isn’t kissing ANY ass.

Unlike Hall, other candidates are either overly cautious or they blatantly pander to the crowd in attendance.

Dufty is possibly the worst offender. He’s gay, Jewish, a single father, left handed, has a Black Agenda, he’s gassy, and is comprised of a quarter moisturizing cream. You name it – he’s got the demographic covered. If he was addressing the cyclops community, he’d draw an eye on his forehead. Shameless.

In addition to the candidates working overtime to relate to the audience of the night, there has been an excessive emphasis on civility.

After the rowdy night at the Castro, prudish worry warts were concerned that the campaign would take on a negative tone and that would be too reminiscent of the relationship between the previous administration and the Board of Supervisors. San Francisco supposedly needs leaders who get along and jerk each other off and play nicey-nicey…or at least make it look like they do.

The last thing we need is a false sense of civility about what looks like the impending 5th term of Willie Brown.

That is what will happen if Ed Lee wins the election as is predicted. Willie Brown’s crooked crony campaign paired with Rose Pak’s strong-arm Chinatown politics have possibly guaranteed Ed Lee’s ascension to mayor.

Anyone But Ed Lee

Haven’t we been pursuing this direction for long enough to know that the beneficiaries of the Willie Brown Machine should not be confused with the majority of SF citizens? If the flight of families and African-Americans from the city is a major concern (as I heard repeatedly at the forums) then why would we elect ANOTHER politician from the same class that helps pull the plug on working class families?

Willie Brown elevated his heir Gavin Newsom who then elevated his heir Ed Lee. San Francisco has been subjected to a sixteen year experiment in blow jobs for big business. Don’t we already know what to expect from four (or possibly eight) more years of the same bullshit?

Also – why is it an automatic certainty that Lee would have resounding support from Asian communities in SF? Another large segment of the San Francisco population – LGBT citizens – have yet to elect a queer mayor and it’s not because there aren’t enough gay politicians in town.

Homos seem a bit more cynical when it comes to elections. It’s not good enough to give a fag the sash to wear just to prove the political power they possess. Instead of seizing an opportunity to ram an LGBT person into elected office, the gayz are a bit more circumspect about who they support.

Hopefully identity politics are not the motivating factor behind Ed Lee’s popularity, but I don’t know how else to explain his renown considering that he has never run for office before. Ask yourself this: Would Ed Lee have run for Mayor this year if Newsom didn’t install him in the first place?

While you mull that over, let’s engage in a quick process of elimination of the fourteen candidates that do not comprise my top three choices.

NO endorsement for David Chiu, Bevan Dufty, Ed Lee or Leland Yee (too much bullshit from the first three and I can’t forgive the shark fin vote, Leland).

Michela Alioto-Pier and Phi Ting seem like nice people but I really haven’t seen them very much at the forums, so forget about them.

Tony Hall is a damn good time, but not my cup of tea. Joanna Rees has been a consistent campaigner and hard worker – and has been very supportive of my SFMayor tweeting – but I am wary of giving power and deference to business as she proposes.

Jeff Adachi has been shunned by the local Democrats because they are afraid of the Police/Fire unions that hate hate hate Adachi for his pension reform measure. That’s pathetic, quite frankly, yet the battle over the pension measures adds more mustiness to the bullshit aroma of this election. Too many civil servants make too much fucking money and will be vastly more wealthy than most people I know. At the same time, Adachi has some rich motherfuckers backing his proposition and that makes my skin crawl. Consequently he’s out.

I wouldn’t know Ascarrunz, Currier, Lawrence or Pang if I woke up next to them.

Herrera sounds like a mayor. He knows his shit. He looks the part. He’s got the tough attorney style. It’s all just TOO perfect, you know? I wouldn’t be surprised if he managed to beat Lee, but I’m feeling a bit too jaded to jump on his bandwagon.

As a protest to the rank diarrhea of San Francisco politics I’m choosing a write-in candidate for my number one position. If I had my druthers, Mat Honan would win and make every Democrat in town tear at their hole in panic. The campaign to write-in Mat began late last week and was covered by a few different outlets. At least one website has been set up for the candidate. You decide – either or

Pro-hole and anti-flair

Mat is totally cute and he confirmed with me via Twitter that he’s pro-hole. I’m not exactly sure what that means but it makes so  much more sense than most of what I have heard in the past couple months that I am willing to rank him as my #1 choice.

Since I am aware that as a write-in candidate Mr. Honan is not a likely winner, I know my second choice is going to be important. For number two I choose Green Party candidate Terry Joan Baum.

Ms. Baum has lead a determined campaign based on her observations of what is wrong with our political system locally, statewide and nationally. She may have a utopian vision for the future, but she is a passionate, intelligent woman that has voiced real concerns about the growing influence of right wing extremist ideology and she should not be discounted. I’d be proud to have her as Mayor of San Francisco.

Ms. Baum also faces a high hurdle of electability in this one-horse Democratic Party town. That’s why I choose John Avalos as my number three candidate. Of all the Democrats on the ballot this year, he is the ONE candidate that I have no reluctance to endorse.

Avalos is a progressive candidate that doesn’t have a long murky background of shady dealings and complicated alliances nor does he reek of Tea Party-lite policy schemes of giving tax breaks to corporate interests in anticipation that they will show mercy on the rest of us.

He does not rail on about the unfortunate burden of regulation upon small business. Avalos speaks of his community ties and his family and his love for San Francisco in a way that is not grandstanding or mawkish or transparent.

Sometimes I want to pull him aside and tell him to drop out of the race because he’s too good for the filthy politics and I’d hate for him to be ruined by it all. But then I’d be tempted to kiss him and I’m not sure he’d be into that so I have had to exercise restraint.

Plus my husband might get mad at me.


Ross Mirkarimi is my singular choice for Sheriff. The other two candidates are total cops and cops have enough power in this town.

The election of District Attorney is a bit more complicated. David Onek is my #1 pick. I’m not convinced I want to select a 2nd place candidate but I’m thinking about putting Fazio in #2 just to keep Gascon from winning. Again – Gascon is a cop and we don’t need anymore cops.

TX Gov Rick Perry VP Choice: Elizabeth Escalona

September 9, 2011 § 2 Comments

In a bold move Texas governor and Presidential candidate Rick Perry announced that he would be proud to share his ticket with a woman that upholds the legitimacy and supremacy of heterosexual child bearing. 

That woman’s name is Elizabeth Escalona.

Rick Perry's ideal VP candidate

Ms. Escalona was arrested on Friday under suspicion of child abuse after reportedly kicking and beating her two year old daugher and then gluing her hands to the wall.  The abuse was in response to a “potty training” issue.

The two year old girl (that turns 3 next month, assuming she lives) is on life support in a Dallas area hospital. The Dallas Morning news has posted the police report that details the injuries an eye witness account from the sibling of the injured girl.

According to the sibling Ms. Escalona dragged her daughter across the floor and beat her with a jug of milk in addition to kicking the girl in the stomach.

This horrible story highlights Presidential hopeful Rick Perry’s staunch support for rule of law.

Perry was recently showered with gales of applause at a Republican candidate debate because of the 200+ executions conducted while he served as governor. Americans thirst for leaders that takes no prisoners.

Who would argue that “pooping your pants” wasn’t an executable offense?

Ms. Escolona’s daughter did NOT deserve the treatment she received – and probably many of the prisoners executed by Governor Perry DID deserve to be incarcerated – but what about same sex couples? Do they deserve to be abused and treated like political footballs to help pave the way for Mr. Perry’s ascension to the presidency?

Governor Perry signed a pledge that he would advocate for a constitutional amendment prohibiting same-sex marriage. He also said he would investigate (glue the hands of?) LGBT advocates that do work to oppose religious discrimination and supremacy.

Sounds to me like Rick Perry would embrace a woman like Elizabeth Escalona as his second in command. The two of them appear to be uncompromisingly certain of their superiority over others.